So is there a reason for me taking philosophy as a major?
I don’t know why. I want to find a way out of my depression I suppose. How is philosophy supposed to do that? I want to know what is the best thing to do. I guess that’s ethics. If all we learn is what other people have thought on these matters, how am I suppose to know how to apply them? I took philosophy because I didn’t understand it. I was fascinated. I wanted to be able to do what I am not able therefore to be an excellent human being.
As now I am in depression. I don’t know how to become an excellent human being. I’m too afraid for other’s judgments. This is completely unnecessary. There’s things I do and I don’t care what other people think about them. I will stop groveling for approval. Nope. I won’t do what I want, but I will do what my calling asks for. What is my mission? Do I have a mission?
What is my mission in philosophy? What is my mission in doing anything? Life is so difficult because there’s no set objective. What is the reason of being? A vague answer is not enough. Yes. All the college students want to do something that brings them honor. Peace corp, teach for America, whatever. What are these things supposed to do? I want to ask people who went on these things what they felt, but I never get an honest answer. I asked people who were doing the same lab program I was doing, all the answers they gave were vague and flowery. How am I supposed to know! I was not warned.
I want to learn how to be nice to people and at the same time not give a shit about what people say. The biggest suffocation one can have is to be silenced. I will say what I think and there is no turning back from that. I am telling myself everyday that I must, must figure out what others think, empathize, understand. After that, will I think for myself? I don’t think there is a reason to.
If I understand everything and everyone, I would have no reason to think about myself. There is no self in this. I completely understand and that’s all that matters. My undergrad ed is a preparation for understanding. I want to commit to different lives, then be able to understand these lives, and then what? There would be nothing to do after that. Understanding is the ultimate goal of reason. Once I am able to understand. I will let my reason die as it would have fulfilled its mission. The end of reason is not happiness, but the death of reason itself, not the death of the body as Socrates in the Phaedo says it is.
We are cursed to have the human souls.
untitled thoughts 
Leave a comment